The Last Letter - A zombie story by Django Bohren

A version of this was allegedly published in Zombies Quarterly, but I’ve never actually seen a copy of it. Contains adult language after the jump. Just like the real zombie apocalypse.

Hey Andy…

I hope you get this letter. I hope you survive. Those crazy bikers should be by in a few days to collect letters to bring to your camp.

I’ve been bitten. I figure I’ve got a couple of hours before this bullshit zombie fever takes over and I try to eat anyone nearby. Of course, since I’m the last one left in our bunker, it’s probably not much of a problem.

I figure I’ll be just as stupid as the rest of those flesh-eating, moaning, monster bastards outside.

I put the Quarantine tag on the door right after Morgan bit me (had to beat his zombie brains out with a lunch tray first), so as long as nobody’s stupid enough to open the door, I’ll starve to death before I can be a real danger to anyone.

Christ. I guess death or zombification shouldn’t be much of a surprise at this point. I mean who DIDN’T assume they’d be dead or a zombie within a few days of the first infection reports?

Remember how cool we thought we were, selling zombie merch? We were on the cutting edge of the fashion trend. Back before these things started showing up?

When we first started seeing that shit on TV I thought it was some sort of modern War of the Worlds prank. Or some awesome flash mob. I was even inspired to come up with a couple of new sticker slogans to cash in on.

Wouldn’t that be nice? If this was all a big joke put on by Orson Welles’ ghost?

Ha. Suddenly those lunch boxes and T-shirts with George Romero movies on ‘em weren’t nearly as funny and punk rawk. Sometimes I think, “What if we’d sold shirts with pictures of world peace on them?” Would the world be a better place right about now? Heh. I guess that’s pretty self-centered.

Ego-testicle like we used to say.

Shit, dude, this sucks. My back is all cold around where Morgan bit me. Funny how in all the Zombie movies, people hurt when they transformed. But we just get cold and tired and then wake up dead.

Did I ever tell you that I ate all those candy bars you were selling as a fundraiser back in Lincoln Elementary? You got in all kinds of trouble and Dan Benson got suspended for it. I’ve felt kind of bad about that for years. Heh. Sorry about that.

If this shit ever ends, can you bury me somewhere far away from town? If there’s any of me still around to bury, I mean. They’ll probably burn the bodies if there’s anyone left who can start a fire.

Shit. I’ve been sitting here, staring off into space for 20 minutes since I wrote that last bit. Just thinking about dying I guess.

My elbows and feet are cold now. I can’t see too well. Gotta stop now while I still have time to put this letter in the drop box for those bikers to pick up.

Watch your fucking back. It’s dangerous out there.

Django

A zombie board game for the family

The official game of the undead. DESTROY THEM OR BECOME THEM! (yeah, we stole that from the box). This board game can have up to 4 players and is full of zombiful action. Includes creepy gameboard, fourteen 2″ tall game pieces, cards and dice.

Play till the death! The death of zombies, that is. Please don’t die while playing this game.

sweet romero's diner design

Romero’s Diner is the coolest place around, and it makes a great hoodie!

Printed on a forest green, hooded, pullover sweatshirt with a little pocket on the front for your hands, keys, or mobile.

Print says, “Romero’s Diner, Fresh Brains served daily!”

orange romero's diner design

Servin’ up the best brains! Our awesome Romero’s Diner design never fails to please.

Printed on an orange hooded sweatshirt, it’s comfy, warm, and totally awesome. Wear it everywhere you go, maybe you’ll get a discount at restaurants that serve brains…

squishy zombie brains

What better shape to make a batch of jello in? Perfect for teaching about anatomy or for eating and grossing people out. This mold is the shape of a brain and comes with a recipe for realistic looking brains on the back of it.

Sweeeeet, slimy brains!

zombie rest room button

Some bathrooms are unisex, and some bathrooms are specifically for zombie attack survivors or zombies themselves. So we put that rad design  on a button. Because we all love buttons.

Available in 1 inch size or 1.5 inch, for .5 inches of extra awesomeness!

zombie men need to pee too!

With the impending zombie apocalypse, people still need to know where to go to the rest room. So here is the zombie rest room sign! Armless and awesome.

Available in 1 inch buttons, or 1.5 inch.

meat cuts button

Zombies don’t know which bits to eat, so here’s this nifty little diagram to tell them which parts are best!

Printed on either a 1 inch button or a 1.5 inch one.

cute walking zombie chick

What’s cooler than a zombie? Well, a female zombie, of course! She’s cute and seductive and will eat your arm off if you’re not careful.

Printed in either a 1 inch size or 1.5 inch for you big-button-fanatics.

sweet little girls room pin

Everyone knows what a rest room sign looks like, but not everyone knows what they will look like after the impending zombie apocalypse.

This is what a girls room would look like. Ladies, prepare yourselves!

Available in 1 inch and 1.5 inch sizes.